I spent alot of hours on the piano when I was a child. I lived in the country, and my sister and I each studied music. She studied the violin and I the piano. When I got older, during my High School years, I took voice lessons. I made it into the Portland Junior Symphonic Choir. I took great pride in singing with them. I really miss my music alot.
I remember going to my friends house and they had a piano but no one knew how to play. So I'd sit down and play and my friend Sally and I would sing. We always would sing "Old Shep" and before we got even half way done, we'd start crying and by the end, we'd just have to quit for the day!!! It was more than we could handle...
When I think back to the 50's .. it was such a grand time to be growing up. We didn't have to worry about people killing us or abducting us..we spent the summer picking berries and beans or whatever season it was..then on our days off we'd go bicycle riding for "miles" literally, we'd take a lunch and be gone for most of the day.
We lived with the shadow of the Russians dropping the bomb on us of course, but it wasn't very "real" to us. When you are a kid, those things just sort of go over your head. You are more interested in the daily events of your life than the political events of that time. At least that's how I remember it.
Growing up my best friend was probably my dog Piffy...she was my very best friend and was always there to comfort me when I cried or just keep me company when there was no one around. My sister and I are 5 years apart. That was alot of difference in age when you are young. The older we got, the closer we got and now we are very close. Piffy and I would make a lunch (well actually I would) :) and go out back on our property where there was a real Cotton Wood Tree that actually sent forth cotton balls all over the ground..it was so cool...We'd sit there and read comic books, Wonder woman was my favorite. Then we would wade through the creek. I was sort of a Tom Boy..I caught lots of tad poles (pollywogs)..I used to step on snakes (red racers) cause I was always and forever barefoot. Crossing the creek was necessary to get to the fields. They could swim in the water even. To this day I'm terrified of snakes and have nightmares about them. I can't even look at them on T. V. or I will have nightmares.
I used to draw all the time I'd sit in front of the radio and listen to the programs and draw. I loved listening to the radio programs because of course we didn't have T. V. yet.!!!
I loved listening to the "Cinnamon Bear" every Christmas. They'd start the story around thanksgiving and play a 10 or 15 minute segment everyday..so it was like a serial program...so you just had to listen the next day to see what's going to happen next. I think the absence of T. V. gave birth to alot more imagination of kids. They had to imagine because everything wasn't as visual as it is today. Christmas was my favorite time of year because it was so Magical...we didn't know "not" to believe in Santa Claus' it was a Given...didn't hurt me a bit..in fact, I still believe in Santa Claus!!!! *S* It didn't stop there, I believed in "everything" just in case!!!! Believing in Santa doesn't mean we forgot Jesus was born, it Just means that if we happen to have a little more than some others, we can pack that little piece of coal in a sock and say it was from Santa...if it will make a little one warm on Christmas eve. Or bring a smile to a little child's face that has little to celebrate..what's so awful about making a child or an adult happy or put love in their hearts, or a smile on their face??? I could never figure that one out...But I know I believe and I always will. You can't take that away from me, cause I've seen him in action. People who are close minded about certain holidays are sure missing out on half the magic and joy of childhood...It doesn't hurt any child to dream or wish on a star.. we have to have something to look forward to!!
We didn't get T. V. til I was a Jr. in High School...so I think it was a wonderful time of discovery for those of us growing up without T.V. We would pretend constantly about everything..it was such fun. We'd sit on the fence by the barn with a rope, pretending we were riding a horse, another day we would get canned goods and other stuff out of the kitchen cupboard and make a store and make play money and buy and sell stuff...We held funerals for dead birds and small woodland animals...we were so "silly"... :) But I have wonderful memories of some of those "olden" days. :)
I think part of being able to survive a non-loving childhood was to imagine..."knowing is nothing, to imagine is everything" a quote I picked up that is very appropriate. We could lay out in the grass in the summer time and watch the clouds change and find shapes in them. We picked roses and made rose perfume out of water and rose petals...it smelled wonderful to us.. We pretended alot...it was our "escape" from reality. It's true, reality does bite!!!...and bites hard, harder for some...
In the 50's we were dealing with parents who came out of the depression, or at least remembered living their own "childhood's" during the depression. Alot of people in my generation were victims of child abuse, incest and sexual abuse. You just didn't hear about it. You just didn't talk about "those things" And no matter what you did that was wrong you brought shame to the whole family...not just yourself...so you walked softly as much as you could!! It would have been a family secret...so the kids that grew up with me that had to live through all that...really needed to imagine and dream .. for their own sanity. It would have been a mechanism for coping.
My Mother was a very bitter person, my Grandmother was also a very bitter person...altho we will never know why, because they didn't talk about it...The only thing I know for sure about my Grandma was that she was "supposed" to be a boy, and so when company came she had to go spend it in her bedroom, like they were ashamed of her because she was a girl.
That wouldn't do much for one's self-esteem for sure!!!
She had two brothers and was very close to one of them, but I doubt they gave her any support regarding her feelings!! Then she married my Grandpa who was a Blacksmith, he traveled with the forest service in Montana for many years shoeing mules and sharpening tools for them...We're talking tents and frigid weather in the winter time...When they got older, they settled down in Plains, Montana and he had his blacksmith shop there til they moved to Oregon to live out their retirement.
My Grandmother hated the Blacksmith shop, they lived above it so all day it was smelly and hot up there and dirty. they even had an outhouse and no indoor plumbing, this was in the 50's so life wasn't very easy for them at all. They didn't have alot of work per say, so they rented out part of the shop to a Chain Saw repair guy, thus the gassy smell and everything.I often wonder about my Grandmas health, she didn't complain, but she had to climb those stairs (on the outside of the building) probably 20 of them...I know she hurt alot, had both breasts removed from breast cancer...They used their "slop-bucket" in their living area...this place had just two rooms, the bed room which was quite large and the living area. They had a wood stove and took baths every sat. night. They came to live with my parents soon after I graduated from High School... They just weren't able to take care of themselves anymore.
My sister and I never "felt" love in our house..my parents always did the "right" things, or what they saw as right. It didn't include love or support for us. They did pay for music lessons for us. When I got into High School I really decided I wanted to be a singer. So I took Singing lessons for a few years. I really enjoyed that, I did recitals and later I sang with the choir. for the first time in my life I felt worthwhile..other people complimented me on my voice, it was great. I hired out to church's for Sunday service solos's and funerals and weddings to sing requested songs. My voice teacher arranged all these events for me.
My Mother had habit of slapping and hitting and yelling obscenities at my sister and I for no particular reason most of the time. She yelled at us constantly, nothing was ever good enough. I think she must of had very little self worth as well. As I look back on it, that's why I had so little self worth and when I left home of course I met a guy that changed all that for the worse.
I went with the first guy that would have me. He was an alcoholic and made me miserable, but I would have done anything to "get away" from home and my parents and that's when I fell into a bottomless pit of despair. He harped on me all his waking hours when he was home, he drank all night slept til noon and got up and went to work for the afternoon and evening..he'd start drawing on his pay check on Monday so he could go out drinking and go to the tavern and then buy more beer to bring home and then he'd come home and drink more and make me get up and "listen" to his drunken ramblings..by the time pay day came he'd already drawn all the money he earned for the week, then it just started all over. I had to stay up with him all night and get up with the kids in the morning...3 little kids...I was exhausted all the time trying to keep him away from them so he wouldn't hurt them..when the kids got a little older, I finally went to work, because he just wasn't making enough money to pay the bills..we just moved from one house to the next getting kicked out for not paying the rent. He continued to drink...I think I really believed that this was life and I had nothing to complain about.
At home I was never allowed to complain, the whole time I was growing up if I even opened my mouth it was shut for me...we weren't allowed to take part in any decision making or anything else...we simply did what we were told...we were taught to accept what life gives you and shut up about it.People always say "why did you stay with him so long, why didn't you leave sooner????? Well, you live with constant threats, besides the fact that I wasn't about to admit I'd screwed up big time...I didn't want to hear "I told you so" from anybody....I had no friends, no money, where would I go??? There were a few times (very few) times that he tried to be human but it never lasted very long and it just went back to the same ole thing. So I stuck it out for 10 long years. I took the verbal abuse, which is what it usually was and did what I had to do just to get through a day. We were glad he drank beer because we could take the bottles to the store the next day and sell them for groceries. There was always enough for a loaf of bread and milk or whatever. We never had food in the cupboard from one day to the next, we just lived from day to day to day...I always "loved" going to the store selling these beer bottles, gave me a real boost of self worth!!!! (NOT)
Finally at one point he started drinking hard liquor and he just went crazy, he beat on me all night one night, burned all the things that meant anything to me..memento's, old pictures, just everything The kids were all upstairs, I'm sure they heard...that is when I'd finally had enough and that is when I kicked him out of the house. I can't remember all the details, I've pretty much pushed all these feelings way back in my mind so far that I don't remember alot of things. I found out later that my youngest son felt bad cause his last memories of his Dad were of him going down the sidewalk carrying his suitcase!!
I have no idea what this relationship did to my kids, I just tryed to cope and tried to love them the best I could. I do know one thing for sure, I would have killed for my kids and I did everything I could to work and support them by myself after he left. I would never have been able to give them up at that point...and if it weren't for them I would have had no reason to live. I felt such despair, and loneliness but I had to go on for the kids. We were always so close then they were little, their father had very little to do with them, he was either sleeping or drinking so we used to go to the beach once in a while, we lived on the Oregon Coast then. I can remember a few nice days then, but then the drinking always started up again.
I believe now that all this "baggage" we have collected from our life experiences is what makes our character what it is today. We either become stronger or we crumbled would have crumbled if I had not had my 3 kids. I'm very fortunate that I finally became stronger.. I never thought I was a stubborn person but I guess I am in certain ways.. I was bound and determined to raise my kids the best I could. We were "single" for about 4 years before Al & I got married. We dated for a couple of years. When we got married his 3 boys wanted to come live with us, we went to court and got legal custody of them and began our lives together. We were married in 1973 and in 1975 we had our only child together, Jill...It was a hard time for us all adjusting to each other and then to the new baby. We made it, we really love and care about each other and we did the best we could do at that time, and I think that is all that any one person can do......you can't look back and what if because what if ... isn't, we just simply do the best we can at the time..and that has taught me not to EVER judge another person's decisions, because we never know where they came from or what is behind it.
This is us on our Wedding Day!!!!
almost 30 Years ago *S*My husband provided us with a nice home, everything we could have possibly needed and most ever thing we wanted and we spent our time with the kids while they were growing up. We went camping allot and took the kids where ever we went. He never bought anything for himself, it was always school stuff, clothes and groceries!! Raising a large family was certainly a challenge and all we want now is for our children to have happy and fulfilling lives. I feel allot of guilt and pain because of what my children must of gone through those 10 years. I love them all so much and I can only live with myself because I do really believe that you do what you can when you have to, wherever you are and with whatever you have or don't have. You just do the best you can. Sure we would all like to go back into our lives and change certain things but I also believe that everything happens for a reason. Even though we rarely know that reason I can only find a little comfort in that. I wish for my four wonderful birth children and my four wonderful step-children that they will know that I really love them all and hope they will forgive me my shortcomings... thanks to them for bringing joy to my life..and thanks to you for listening!!!!